blackwolf26812's Xanga

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 22:04:56 GMT

would you rather be blind or have cancer?

Birthday Reflection

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 17:45:58 GMT

a day late, but that's ok

When asked,

"What do you want for your birthday?"

I couldn't really come up with an answer.
I didn't really have a gift in mind that I really really wanted.

Thinking on that, I asked myself,

"What exactly do I want?"

and then I realized, I don't really want anything.

I have clothes, running water, money, a house, food, music, accessories, books, schooling... basically everything that I need and want (within limits of course).
I don't think I'm as spoiled as I could be.
I think that I will turn out to be (at least) a somewhat decent human being.
And I owe that to who I have...

I have a family. I may argue with my parents. I may feel unloved. I may feel hated. I may feel uncared for. I may be angry at them, and I may hate them, but in the end, they are still my family and they love me and I love them. My parents and grandparents have done their best to shape me into a upstanding person. If I'm not, that is my own fault. They have offered me all they could.

I have a little brother. I may treat him as any older sibling treats their younger siblings. I may bully him around. He may be obnoxious. We may fight, but that's what siblings do. Thanks to him, I still know what it's like to be a kid. Hopefully I can remember that forever.

I have my friends. Over these four years of high school, I have made and lost friends. I have learned exactly how strong friendships can be. High school may be over, and we may be heading off in different directions, but we will still be friends forever. Thank you guys (especially the musketeers) for sharing part of your life with me.

So in answer that ever present birthday question: I don't need anything. I don't really want anything.

You guys have already given me all that I need and want, whether you guys know it or not. For that, I am grateful. Thank you.

course, for those who aren't satisfied for that emotional filled rant thing: glowsticks and a good book are always appreciated

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 02:44:30 GMT

And she takes another step
Slowly she opens the door
Check that he is sleeping
Pick up all the broken glass and furniture on the floor
Been up half the night screaming now it's time to get away
Pack up the kids in the car
Another bruise to try and hide
Another alibi to write

Another ditch in the road
You keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Wonder how I ever made it through

And there are children to think of
Baby's asleep in the backseat
Wonder how they'll ever make it through this living nightmare
But the mind is an amazing thing
Full of candy dreams and new toys and another cheap hotel
Two beds and a coffee machine
But there are groceries to buy
And she knows she'll have to go home

Another ditch in the road
You keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Wonder how I ever made it through

Another bruise to try and hide
Another alibi to write
Another lonely highway in the black of night
But there's hope in the darkness
You know you're going to make it

Another ditch in the road
Keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Silent fortress built to last
Wonder how I ever made it

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cool breeze and autumn leaves
Slow motion daylight
A lone pair of watchful eyes
Oversee the living
Feel the presence all around
A tortured soul
A wound unhealing
No regrets or promises
The past is gone
But you can still be free
If time will set you free

Time now to spread your wings
To take to flight
The life endeavor
Aim for the burning sun
You're trapped inside
But you can still be free
If time will set you free
But it's a long long way to go

Keep moving way up high
You see the light
It shines forever
Sail through the crimson skies
The purest light
The light that sets you free
If time will set you free

Sail through the wind and rain tonight
You're free to fly tonight
And you can still be free
If time will set you free
And going higher than mountain tops
And go high the wind won't stop
And go high
Free to fly tonight
Free to fly tonight

Friends

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 01:18:17 GMT

After reading Janice's post, I began to think more about my past and what I've been through and in most of the memories that stick out, my friends are in them.

I've realized that I haven't really been able to make any lasting friendships due to the fact that I move around so much and frankly, that makes me sad.

(What follows bellow is a long summary of the friendships I've had, feel free to skip to the actual thinking/analyzing part or to just stop reading)

I suppose the first, real, could-have-lasted-a-long-time, strong friendship that I ever had was with one Jenny Chang. We became friends in 2nd grade. If I remember correctly, we had known each other and occasionally played together (oh the forgotten wonders of playgrounds in elementary school) but didn't become best friends until after I randomly walked up to her one day during lunch and asked "Did you know that your mom and my mom were friends?" After that we became best friends. I remember swearing to be "best friends forever" and even buying those necklaces with her having half the heart and me having the other half. We had fun. I remember many occasions of having a sore tummy and rolling on the floor dying of laughter because of something Jenny said or because of her facial expression or because we just looked at each other with that certain look which hinted of an inside joke. But then, I had to move to WA and we had to say goodbye. In the beginning, letters were exchanged frequently and whenever I went down to CA I would be sure to visit her, but those letters and visits began to die out because we started to get more busy with our own individual lives.

After Jenny, my closest friend became Joe from St. Joseph's, but that friendship died when I started attending Mcloughlin Middle School.

From the beginning it was a group of friends, probably because we were the "challenge" kids and we kinda stuck together for the most part. I remember the first or second day of 6th grade. I was the new kid, didn't know anyone, was kinda shy, and so I kinda sat by myself at the table of challengers. Then Emma spoke up "You can sit with us, we don't bite" Still makes me smile when I look back at it. Those were good times. I remember Laura, Janice, and I cleaning up Mr. Obenour's room and even went as far as bringing broomsticks. We also had "kangaroo hopping" and "chair-y go round" stuff. Fun times. Besides that, there was the soccer playing during lunch, hanging out at the tree, almost nightly chat rooms, randomosity, and overall being there for each other. Middle school was a fun time for me and I wouldn't pass up that experience for anything else. But then... I moved. Again. Out of all the five times we moved, this move really really upset me.

High School. What can I say, the past three years have been both good and bad. Freshman year, I didn't really have close friends and kinda moved from one group to another till near 2nd semester. I remember going back to WA once when we were about to sell our house and being touched when my Mcloughlin friends threw a party (partly because I was visiting and partly cuz they wanted to party, but lol, it was fun and still a great gesture). Then I came back to CA and I think that's when I actually started forming a strong friendship with Neeraja.

I first met her in our PE9 class and then started hanging out with her and, what I at first called, her group consisting of two other girls, Jennifer and Tiffany. Over time I got to know all of them pretty well and became close friends with them. They were always there for me and if it wasn't for them, my life would be pretty dark and boring and cold right now. Not really much that I can put down in words because frankly, I don't know how to do that. Our friendship is something that I am truly thankful for, something that I couldn't survive without.

Besides those three Musketeers (as we call ourselves), there were other friends or groups or whatever.

There's the group that includes Harry, Sharon, Christina, Kuang and etc. Don't know how that really started but I think it had something to do with Christina and I going to that one prep center, and Harry calling me Boron all the time *grumbles about stupid chem honors*

There's also the group with Sophia and Lillian and etc. in it. Don't really remember how that came to be either. I think I got to know Sophia in band and spanish and then got to know Lillian through Sophia. Fun times with them too, specially Lillian and mine's "Boo! Ahh!" game. We're not crazy, I swear we're not. *innocent look*

*************

and why am I looking at my friendships? maybe because I'm wondering if they'll last once we all go off to college or if they'll end up dying like it did when I moved. Wondering if we'll remember each other's names and faces 10 years from now, 20 years from now. Right now, the present, seems so important. and yet, in the long run of things, is it really that important?

People change. How many people can say that they're still the same person they are from elementary, middle or even the beginning of high school? I can't.

As people change, their friendships change. It isn't because we try to get rid of friendships but rather people's feelings change with time and distance. And I'm scared. I don't want to loose my friends. Sure, I'll make new ones, but the friends I have right now are important. I don't want to loose them, I'm scared to loose them

So in a way, I guess I'm asking my friends out there to not forget me, to not forget the time we've spent together. In a way, I'm asking them to always be my friends

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 03:49:10 GMT

without needing to think about it, friends are most definately what I'm most thankful for. They're always there to share my feelings and help me and ask for help whenever that may be. Without them, I would be nothing but a simple husk. Thank you for always being there for me

Something else that i'm thankful for but didn't realize that i was thankful for it until connie's post is the chance to experience this life (not this life itself). The chance to life a life without poverty and hunger and whatnot is truly something one should be thankful for

What are you thankful for?

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 07:58:54 GMT

So instead of doing my physics notebook and studying for the physics test and econ test coming up tomorrow, I decided to do this instead. Aren't I a good girl? (don't answer that)

Anyways...... some of the stuff were pretty accurate, others were just downright amusing

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

What does next year have in store for me?
- In the Shadows (the Rasmus)

My future cannot be forseen. Kinda agrees with my views on my future

What's my love life like?
- Break Me, Shake Me (savage garden)

Erm… a rocky love life?

What do I say when life gets hard?
- No Preguntes Por Que (Nek)

“Don’t ask why”, erm… not really what I say, but okay, it’s good advice

what do I think when I get up in the morning?
- The Best Thing (savage garden)

haha, most definitely not. More along the lines of die you stupid alarm clock, DIE!

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
- Canada (Cold Storage)

Seeing how this is a techno song, don’t know how that’s really possible

What do you want as a career?
- Untrue (Cruxshadows)
Song is about someone who’s talking about his unreturned love after a rocky relationship. So marriage counselor it is!

Your favourite saying?
- Accidentally in Love (Counting Crows)

………. I think it’s more along the lines of ‘no shit sherlock’

Your pet's name?
- Can’t take it in (Chronicles of Narnia)

Guess that my pet was a stray that no one else would ‘take in’ and take care of

Favourite place?
- Trancevaal (Cold Storage)

Another techno song. The ‘Trance’ part of ‘Trancevaal’ makes it sound like my favourite place is a druggie hang out

Describe your sex life:
- Surrender (MLK)

Oooooooooh dear….. no comment, but I do find it kinda funny

What do you think of your parents?
- Magical Lasso (Phantom of the Opera)

OMG on many days yes!

What's your Pornstar name?
- Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Green Day)

Well… I guess I know what I’m going to do should I not get into college. Weird question…

Where would you go on a first date?
- Evacuating London (Chronicles of Narnia)

London it is!

Drug of choice?
- Hagrid the Professor (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)

Hahahahahahaha, so messed up. I guess Hagrid will have some illegal creature that somehow produces/provides illegal substances

Describe yourself:
- Perfect Garden (Schwarz Stein)

I’m a garden? Sure! For some reason, perfect garden reminds me a zen which reminds me of calmness, which I suppose I kinda am (until I get pissed off)

What is the thing I like doing most?
- A Dios le Pido (Juanes)

To God I Ask. …………. I don’t pray. But I do like listening to that song so… sure why not!

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
- Father Christmas (Chronicles of Narnia)

I guess I’m looking forward to Christmas break which marks the end of all finals and college apps. And… PRESENTS!!!

How will I die?
- She Will Be Loved (Maroon 5)

1) I’ll die a martyr

2) I die a lonely bitter person that everyone hates and this is what is on my tombstone. Instead of “loved by etc. etc.” it’s “she’ll eventually be loved”

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 07:34:15 GMT

I'm an idiot

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 23:30:13 GMT

I wonder why I even bother

Why I try to change their view on things when they’re off in their world. Content in their beliefs and becoming violently upset when I try to make them see that maybe they’re not right.

Why do I bother when I know that they won’t care? When I know that they care more about others than they care about me? Why? Do I just enjoy hurting myself?

I suppose it has something to do with the fact that I’ll at least feel that I’ve tried. I suppose it’s the fact that I can’t stand feeling trapped and unable to do anything. I suppose that it’s the fact that I feel vulnerable. Useless…helpless…

But there is a time, where everything just falls apart. Where nothing works out right. Where life is just one big blur of pain.

The time when I realize that there is nothing I can do but wait. But waiting requires hope, hope that I no longer have

There used to be a time where I cared, where I hoped, where I dreamed. But now…now it is just a nightmare. A nightmare from which I will occasionally wake up from, only to be sucked back in.

But that’s ok, I realize that now. This is my life. It is a painting of pain, loss of hope, indifference, and anger, splotched here and there with patches of happiness and care and hope. But it seems that the paint is bleeding…bleeding into each other, only to form a complete mess of nothingness

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 00:10:32 GMT

and so ended the extremely long first week of school

how many more weeks left?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 01:04:20 GMT

fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fuck them to fucking hell and back

damn them

fuck off please,

just fucking effing fuck the eff off